How do I start dating after years of focusing on my education and career?
Key Insights
Years of focusing on her education and career has left her “completely inexperienced” in all things dating.
Advice by Sahaj Kaur Kohli
Dear Sahaj: How can I find my way in the dating world as a first-generation immigrant woman when I’m not sure what the cause of my troubles are? I was mostly brought up in this country, and my parents are fairly liberal, but they come from very conservative families. As a consequence, dating wasn’t allowed while I was in high school — to the point that I internalized the message of education above all else. Even though that rule didn’t exist in college, I continued that behavior throughout college and graduate school and focused entirely on my friends, my education and my career.
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Now, I find myself completely inexperienced at the more physical aspects of dating and moving forward with relationships because I don’t know what I’m looking for. I can’t tell if it’s because I’ve so thoroughly internalized those early messages, or if it’s part of my sexual identity in the form of asexuality or demisexuality. And as I’ve gotten older, the traditional switch-flip questions of “why aren’t you dating?” or “what are your future plans?” are further compounding this uncertainty and internal turmoil.
I’m also trying to not tell my parents everything, because they don’t quite seem to understand how dating really works. Their expectations and mine aren’t really aligned, both now and for a longer term future. They wouldn’t pressure me, but this experience feels a little lonely compared to the experiences of other South Asian friends and non-South Asian friends.
— New To This
New To This: While you may feel lonely, you’re definitely not alone. It’s very common for South Asian children of immigrants — especially daughters — to be told that dating isn’t allowed only to then wake up one day and be expected to figure out long term plans. Even I can relate to this!
Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy and Culturally Enough, communities focused on people with bicultural identities and immigrant parents. She has given advice about setting boundaries with your parents, friends who keep mispronouncing your name, and relationship problems.
Like me and many others, you were encouraged to focus on other priorities so now you are trying to make space for dating but it’s overwhelming and scary. The only way to move through this is to remind yourself that it feels awkward and bad because it’s new and unfamiliar. Of course you’re lost. If you weren’t given space or encouragement to explore love, self-worth, and compatibility growing up, then it makes sense that you have no idea how to navigate this as an adult. Have compassion for yourself as you figure out this new and unchartered territory.
Here’s the thing: Dating, and meeting new people, is the surefire way to get to know what you are interested in and what qualities or characteristics get you excited or make you feel attracted to someone. It can teach you a lot about yourself. This can be through dating sites or asking friends to set you up. As you do, you want to pay attention to the feelings that come up for you as you meet new people and maybe even journal about it after. This exploration is as much about what you don’t want as it is about what you do want!
You can start to combat the shame of feeling isolated and embarrassed about this by talking about it. And a professional is a good place to start. They can help you build confidence, explore your interests, and help you process the relationships you get in. I’d also urge you to find one friend you feel safe enough to open up about this. You don’t have to do this alone.
I would also encourage you to ask your parents for a pause on talking about dating right now. Even though they may not be pressuring you, reporting back or updating them may add distress and keep you from exploring your differing values or desires. This can sound like, “I would appreciate it if we didn’t talk about this for a while.” Or, “When you ask me about dating and my future plans, I feel pressured. I know this isn’t your intention, but it would help me if you stopped.”
Ask yourself what a healthy relationship means to you and what’s been modeled to you. This can help you gain clarity on what your fears might be, what you don’t want, and what you may not have exposure to yet — including gendered roles and expectations. I also encourage you to learn more about your attachment style. You can take this online test that is from the authors of Attached. This will shed light on what your tendencies may be and how this might impact your dating experiences.
Remember: It’s not about perfection, it’s about exploration. This should be a fun time for you to connect with people and learn more about yourself and your needs. Enjoy it!